The World’s Most Heinous Crime

August 3, 2018 at 10:10 pm (Music, Reviews & Articles)

Some people may feel that corrupt, warmongering politicians and greedy, soulless billionaires are some of the worst humans on the planet. Some may feel that mass murderers are also among the worst that humanity has to offer. And, oh sure, they definitely deserve to be despised with every fiber of our being. But it is my opinion that the people who deserve the most hatred, ridicule and scorn in this world are the ones that make wretched, sappy, brain dead, vomit-inducing music. It is probably the world’s most heinous, unforgivable crime. Like Chris de Burgh, who is responsible for “The Lady in Red,” which was chosen as one of the worst songs ever unleashed upon humanity. I mean, what a sappy piece of mewling drivel. I’m shocked that someone didn’t push that guy off the nearest cliff the second he released that horrid, ball-less platter of swill out into an unsuspecting, undeserving world. Or Dan Hartman, who tortured our ears with the equally-sappy and wretched “Sometimes When We Touch.” And would anyone have felt the least bit sad if the Baha Men had met with some type of unfortunate accident for “Who Let the Dogs Out”? I mean, who let that song out, for chrissakes? And more importantly, why?

And then, of course, there is Tim McGraw, whose music represents everything that is unholy and evil in this world. When I hear him going on and on about skydiving, I pray he’ll crash into the side of a mountain. Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps. But not as bad as him for releasing such putrid, rancid garbage in the first place. And don’t even get me started on “Humble and Kind,” which only makes me angry and nauseous.

There is also a special place in hell for what MC Hammer did to a perfectly good song like “Superfreak,” and the less said about boy bands, the better. I could go on for several more paragraphs discussing each and every one of the world’s worst examples of aural torture (the Spice Girls, Richard Marx, Nickelback, and the Black-Eyed Peas immediately spring to mind), but there is only so much pain and suffering that one person should be subjected to in this life.

Horrible politicians and greedy, environment-destroying businessmen come and go, but wretched music unfortunately stays with us forever – like that bad case of herpes you caught back in college. It is best to just avoid it like the plague. If you can’t avoid it, make sure to carry a large baseball bat in case you need to smash your radio.

Jay Mucci