David Cross – “An Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy” (2007)

May 31, 2010 at 1:11 pm (Comedy, Life & Politics, Reviews & Articles)

An open letter that comedian David Cross wrote, Oct. 2, 2007, to redneck comedian Larry the Cable Guy, in response to comments that Larry made about him (which were in fact comments David first made about Larry….got all that?). Anyhow, it’s funny and still relevant…

 

Hello Larry,

It’s me, David Cross. Recently I was shooting something for my friends at “Wonder Showzen” (the funniest, most subversive comedy on American T.V. at the moment) and when we were taking a break one of the guys on the show asked me if I had seen some article in something somewhere wherein you were interviewed to promote your new book “Please-Git-R-Done” (published by Crown Books $23.95 U.S.) and they asked about your devoting a chapter to slamming me and the “P.C. Left”. Since I stopped following your career shortly after you stopped going on stage wearing a tool belt with cable wrapped around your neck (around your appearance at “Laffs ‘n’ Food” in Enid, Oklahoma Aug 23-26 1999?) I said I wasn’t aware of the article. They went on to tell me that you said basically (and I am not quoting but paraphrasing their recall) that I could kiss your ass, that I’ve never been to one of your shows (true) and that I didn’t know your audience (untrue).

SO, I went and got your book, “Gitting-R-Donned”, and excitedly skimmed past the joke about that one time you farted and something farty happened, on past the thing about the fat girl who farted and finally found it, Chapter 5 – Media Madness. Well, needless to say I farted. I farted up a fartstorm right there in the Flyin’ J Travel Center. I fartingly bought the book and took it home with an excitement I haven’t experienced since I got Bertha Chudfarter’s Grandma drunk and she took her teeth out and blew me as I was finger banging her while wearing a Jesus sock puppet in the back of the boiler room at The Church of the Redeemer off I-20 (I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.)

Anyhoo, I got home and read the good parts. It seems that you were pissed off at Rolling Stone magazine, and I can understand why. You made some good points in your argument as well. I agree that there is an eliteism and bias in the press and too often a writer will include asides to show the readers how smart he or she is and how “above it” they are. But come on! Surely you can’t be surprised, or worse, hurt or offended by this. You even say in the book that you knew what you were getting into (Rolling Stone being all “lefty” and whatnot). Certainly I’m not surprised that they took a ten minute phone conversation with me and chose to print only the most inflammatory paragraph within it. That’s what they do.

But I want to address some of the things you write about me in “Git-to-Gittin’-r-Done”. In response to the Rolling Stone article, but first let me say this; you are very mistaken if you think that I don’t know your audience.

Hell, I could’ve been heckled by the parents of some of the very people that come see you now. I grew up in Roswell, Georgia (near the Funny Bone and not far from The Punch Line). The very first time I went on stage was at The Punch Line in Sandy Springs in 1982 when I was 17. I cut my teeth in the south and my first road gigs ever were in Augusta, Charleston, Baton Rouge, and Louisville. I remember them very well, specifically because of the audience. I remember thinking (occasionally, not all the time) “what a bunch of dumb redneck, easily entertained, ignorant motherfuckers. I can’t believe the stupid shit they think is funny.” So, yes, I do know your audience, and they suck. And they’re simple. And please don’t mistake this as coming from a place of bitterness because I didn’t “make it” there or, I’m not as successful as you because that’s not it at all. Since I was a kid I’ve always been a little over sensitive to the glorification and rewarding of dumb. The “salt of the earth, regular, every day folk” (or lowest common denominator) who see the world, and the people like me in it, as on some sort of secular mission to take away their flag lapels and plaster-of-paris jesus television adornments strike me as childishly paranoid. But perhaps the funniest (oddest) thing in your book is you taking me to task for being P.C. Have you heard my act?! I’ll match your un-P.C.ness any day of the week my friend. I truly believe, and have said onstage amongst other things that, orthodox Jews are bar none, the most annoying people, as a group, that walk this earth. I absolutely refuse to say the term “African-American”. It’s a ridiculous and ill-applied label that was accepted with a thoughtless rush just to make white people feel at ease and slightly noble. I also believe that in the right setting that, as unfortunate as it may be, retarded people can be a near constant source of entertainment (fact!). Larry, whether northern, southern, straight, gay, male, female, liberal, conservative, Christian or Jew, I’ve walked them all. It didn’t matter if it was a room full of “enlightened” hippie lesbian wicans at Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge, MA or literally hundreds of students at the University of St. Louis (a Jesuit school) or a roomful of the cutest, angriest frat boys in Baton Rouge all threatening to beat me up, I un-P.C.’d the shit out of them. That’s another thing that bothers me too. I honestly believe that if we had worked a week together at whatever dumb-ass club in American Strip Mall #298347 in God’s Country U.S.A and hung out that week and got good and drunk after the shows, that you and I would’ve been making each other laugh (I imagine we would have politely disagreed on a few things) but not only would we be laughing but we’d often be laughing at the expense of some of the audience members at that nights show and you know it. I’ll address your easy, bullshit sanctimonious “don’t mess with my audience” crap further on. But for now, let’s “Gittle-R-Ding-Dong-Done!”

Okay, here’s what I said in the RS interview: “He’s good at what he does. It’s a lot of anti-gay, racist humor – – which people like in America – all couched in ‘I’m telling it like it is.’ He’s in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I’m-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel, selling-ring tones-act. That’s where we are as a nation now. We’re in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.”

You took umbrage at my calling a lot of your act anti-gay and racist and said that “…according to Cross and the politically correct police, any white comedians who mention the word ‘black’ or say something humorous but faintly negative about any race are racists.”

Well, first of all, your act is racist. Maybe not all the time, but it certainly can be. Here, let me quote you back, word for word, some of your “faintly negative” humor and I’ll let people judge for themselves.

Re: Abu Ghraib Torture -

“Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something!”

Re: Having a Muslim cleric give the opening prayer at the Republican Convention -

“What the hell is this the cartoon network? The Republicans had a muslim give the opening prayer at there (sic) convention! What the hell’s going on around here! Is Muslim now the official religion of the United States!…First these peckerheads ( Ironically, “peckerhead” was a derogatory word slaves and their offspring used to describe white people) fly planes into towers and now theys (sic) prayin’ before conventions! People say not all of em did that and I say who gives a rats fat ass! That’s a fricken slap in the face to New York city by having some muslim sum-bitch give the invocation at the republican convention! This country pretty much bans the Christian religion (the religion of George Washington and John Wayne) virtually from anything public and then they got us watchin’ this muslim BS!! Ya wanna pray to allah then drag yer flea infested ass over to where they pray to allah at!” End Quote. So…yeah. There you go. This quote goes on and on but my favorite part is when you say towards the end, “…now look, I love all people (except terrorist countries that want to kill us)…”

There are numerous examples and I don’t think I need to reprint any more. You get the idea. Oh, what the hell, here’s one more – “They’re dead, get over it! Poor little sandy asses! I’m sure all them dead folks’d they’d killed give 40 shekels or whatever kinda money these inbred sumbitches use, but I’d give 40 of ‘em whatever it is to be humiliated instead of dead!”

About being Anti-Gay. I honestly take that back. I do not think that you are anti-gay, I didn’t choose those words wisely. Your stuff isn’t necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy. “Madder than a queer with lock jaw on Valentines Day.” That’s not that funny, I don’t care who you are. It’s just sooo easy. I mean, over half the planet sucks dick so why gays? Why not truck stop whores, or Hollywood Starlets or housewives? Because when you say “queer” you get an easy laugh. End of story.

Okay Larry The Cable Guy, I will ignore the irony of a big ole southern redneck character actually using “inbred” as an insult, as well as the fact that a shekel is currency from Israel, the towel heads sworn enemy. But at least you’re passionate about what you see as inhumane injustice (not on a global level of course, but on a national level) and the simple black and white of what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s kinda like you’re this guy who speaks for all these poor, unfortunate souls out there who wear shirts with blue collars on them, work hard all day to put food on the table for their family (unlike people who wear shirts with white collars or wear scrubs or t-shirts or dresses or costumes that consist of flannel shirts with the sleeves cut-off and old trucker hats) and pray to the American Flag of Jesus to protect them from the evils of muslims, queers, illegal immigrants, and the liberal jews who run Hollywood and the media. I guess one could say that you’re “telling it like it is”. And considering the vast amount of over-simplification you employ to describe with sweeping generalizations, all of America and the World that “don’t make no sense to you”, as well as your lack of sensitivity, and second grade grammar, one might be led to think that you are somewhat proud of not appearing (or being) too intellectual. Combine that with your sucker appeal to the knee-jerk white Christian patriot in us all who would much rather hear 87 fart jokes than hear a joke in which the President (the current one, not the last one) or the Pope, or Born-Again Christians, or Lee Greenwood get called on their shit for being the hypocrites that they are, and I think we’ve got a winner!

As for being a multi-millionaire in disguise, that’s just merely a matter of personal taste for me. I do not begrudge you your money at all, it is sincerely hard earned and you deserve whatever people want to give to you. What sticks in my craw about that stuff is the blatant and (again, personal taste) gross marketing and selling of this bullshit character to your beloved fans. Now look, if someone wants to pay top dollar to come to one of your shows and then drop a couple hundred more on “Git-R-Done” lighters and hats and t-shirts and windshield stickers and trailer hitches and beer koozies and fishing hats and shot glasses etc, then good for you. I just think it’s a little crass and belies the “good ole boy” blue collar thing you represent. But that’s no big deal.

Now, as for the last statement that “We’re in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.”

Well, I think that’s true. When you can rally the troops (so to speak) with a lazy, “latte drinking, tofu eating” generalization of Liberals and “Back ass rag fags” to describe Arabs, then, yeah, I think that falls in the “ignorant” category. I think that with even the slightest attention to the double standard and hypocrisy of both the Left and the Right in this country (if not all of the Christian Extremists as a whole) coupled with the bullshit they lazily swallow and parrot back while happily ignoring the gross inhumane treatment of those that aren’t them so that we may have cheap sneakers and oil and slightly less taxes (although I’m sure the bracket you’re in now gives you a ton of tax money back), then you could maybe see my point. Now here’s the best part – in your book you preface the above quote by saying, “…but I guess I’m not as intellectual as David Cross. In that Rolling Stone article, he sure showed us what a deep thinker he is by sayin’ “America is in a stage of vague intellectual pride.” Jesus Christ can you even fucking read?! Whoever read that article to you butchered the actual quote. The quote that was right fucking in front of their face! I would fire your official reader and have them replaced with a Hooters Girl who doesn’t fart. That way you have something nice to look at while you are getting your misinformation.

As for “anti-intellectual pride”, that is Larry The Cable Guy in spades. Let me quote you again (from an on-line interview, “I consider my jokes to be very jeuvinille (sic). Stuff a 14 year old would laugh at because that’s the sence (sic) of humor I have.” Hmmm, okay. That was easy.

Well, I suppose I’ve already covered part of that in the above. But you also specifically dumb down your speech while making hundreds of purposefully grammatical errors. How do I know this? It’s on page 17 of your book wherein you describe how you would “Larry” up your commentaries for radio. What does it mean to “Larry” something up? Take a wild guess. The reason you feel the need to “Larry” something up? Because you are not that dumb. I mean you, Dan Whitney, the guy who’s name the bank account is under. You were born and raised in Nebraska (hardly The South), went to private school and moved to Florida when you were 16. This is when you developed your accent?! Not exactly the developmental years are they? At age 16 that’s the kind of thing you have to make a concerted effort to adopt. Did you hire a voice coach? Or were you like one of those people who go to England for a week and come back sounding like an extra from “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”? As you said yourself in an interview once, “I can pop in and out of it pretty much whenever I want”. In your book on page 89 you say in reference to the “gee-shucks” millionaire comment, “…see, to his (David’s) mind, bein’ well paid means I’m no longer real and I can’t be a country boy anymore. It’s just an act.” Hey, it’s always been an act! That’s my fucking point! You admit it yourself so cut the indignation shit. And I am in no way deriding your work ethic. You clearly have more fart jokes than most and for that I applaud you. You go on to talk about how hard you work and life on the road and living on Waffle House and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I get it, we’ve all been there and played shitty, degrading gigs and sacrificed etc, etc. Then you say, “…this (the personal attack) was different because David basically hammered my fans in that RS article by implying that they were ignorant. He crossed the line when he railed against them, so I had to tell ya what I felt about that. He can hammer me all he wants, but when he screwed with my fans, it was time for me to say something.” Aww, that’s so sweet and egregious. I can’t stand that fan ass kissing bullshit. You and Dane Cook ought to get together and have a “my-fan’s-are- the-greatest-people-on-earth-and-that’s-why-I-do-this” off. You could both sell a shit load of merch too. But having said that, I would truly love to get some of your fans and my fans in a room together to debate some of the finer points on comedy, music, culture, the issues facing our country today and just about anything else we might find worthy of discussion. My fans are pretty smart as well. They are also, I imagine, as “hard-working” as your fans. Not all of them of course, but most. And I’m sure that they may come up with some genuinely interesting, insightful points (and would do so without spouting a bunch of meaningless Christian platitudes). And if you really, truly want to respect your fans, lower your ticket price as well as the price of your ubiquitous merchandise. I’m sure all those hard-working Americans could use the extra money now that the budgets are being cut drastically from Transportation, Education, Health and Human Services, HUD, Dept of the Interior, EPA, Farm Service Agency, FEMA, Agricultural, FDA, VA, FHA, National Center for Environmental Health, and numerous other departments and agencies that they might directly rely on for help. All so that we can pay off this massive tax cut during “war” time that we’re all getting (them not so much though). Oh well, that’s just one of those “political” things that I think about occasionally.

Anyway, I just wanted to address the stuff you wrote about me and clear some things up. Mostly the air around here…I just farted!!!!!

Think-Of-Something-To-Do-And-See-That-Task-To-Completion!!!!!

Fart,
David Cross

About these ads

32 Comments

  1. William Arthur Major said,

    cross ,you are obviously one of those Holier than thous jerk liberals who act like there apalled at the ” knuckle draggers”. your a fake, hypocrite like all the rest of them .the only difference from you and the regular American public is that you do it like a closet homo instead of out in the open . jesus christ man …..you are pathetic as are most so called righteous ones that think they are the collective public’s conciseness,you had to vote for this Idiot in the white house .

    • Devin Hamilton said,

      William, if you want to convey that you are not “knuckle-dragger”, you may want to use correct grammar, spelling at least. Cross’ dissection of “Larry the Cable Guy’s” crass and unintelligent humor and schtick is spot on and does not have a ” holier-than-thou” style. I’m assuming the reason you mistook his letter to be pretentious or grandiloquent is that he used big words that a “non-knuckle-dragger” such as yourself didn’t understand. Honestly, William, you couldn’t even get the word “you’re” correct? Please, if you are calling someone out for being pathetic don’t use simplistic insults like “homo” or “hypocrit”. It makes you look unimaginative and uneducated.

    • mathomas said,

      William, thank you SO much for so powerfully proving Cross’ point by accusing him of being “a closet homo” and “Holier than thou” while making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Talk about “vague American values and anti-intellectual pride” — you’re a prime specimen. Your incredibly bad grammar, spelling & syntax is one thing: I mean, the “collective public’s CONCISENESS” (rather than “conscience”) — REALLY??!! Jesus Christ man, this is America — LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!! But your knee-jerk, self-righteous totally un-self-aware defensiveness: that’s just too perfect. I couldn’t write a funnier satirical comment if I tried.

    • Robert Shuby (@throatkooky) said,

      William.You were in the National Honor Society at your high school. Am I wrong?

  2. don device (@dondevice) said,

    Boy I thought William’s post was some pretty spot-on parody… Was he serious?

    Wow.. just.. wow…

    • mathomas said,

      If he was joking, he sure fooled me. I think that’s who he really is. If so — scary!

  3. Ben Nardone said,

    ‘making purposefully grammatical errors’

    love it.

    :)b

  4. Ed Merrill said,

    He is a fake redneck….rednecks were Pennsylvanian coal miners who stood up for unionizing. Larry makes me vomit.He may have mastered the southern accent, have to wonder if he is from Boston. He is as fake as a mirage. When I see that fat pig I simply change the channel….suggest you do the same.

    • jmucci said,

      Yeah, he’s a real tool. He’s actually from Nebraska.

  5. Marc Angelo Bovenzi said,

    YOU LIBERAL BEND-OVERS, SHOULD TREAT LARRY THE CABLE GUY ( WITH THE SAME LOVING FERVER) AS THE TERRORIST- TOWEL-HEAD- LOSER- FREAKS- YOU PAY MUCH HOMAGE TO. YOU WOULD “SEEM” LESS HYPOCRITICAL…JUST SAYIN’

    • jmucci said,

      I can’t speak for anyone else but I have never “paid homage” to “terrorist towel-head loser freaks” (as you put it) in my entire life. Go vote for one of the ignorant, fascist Republican clowns that are all competing for the chance to ram their narrow-minded, idiotic, faux-patriotic, Wall Street-ass-kissing mentality down all of our throats. And I have nothing against him but Larry the Cable Guy is a big phony… just sayin’.

    • Robert Shuby (@throatkooky) said,

      Thank you, Sarah.

  6. mathomas said,

    Wow: stereotyping of liberals as gay terrorist-lovers — and text-screamed ungrammatically in all caps. What a scintillating addition to this dialogue. I can only assume that you didn’t actually read David Cross’ letter or, if you did, that you don’t know the meaning of “irony.”

    p.s. Your avatar, Charlie Chaplin, was one of the most famous and outspoken liberals of his time. So I guess you never saw Modern Times, The Great Dictator and Monsieur Verdoux — all of which have strong liberal messages. He’d be appalled if he knew how you were abusing his image.

    • jmucci said,

      Nicely worded!!

  7. Michael Cera Interviews David Cross And It's Awesome said,

    [...] Instead Cross talked about his childhood, his start as a comedian, politics, and his beefs with Larry the Cable Guy and Jim Belushi. He also talked a lot about Mr. Show, which I’ve never seen, but now I really [...]

  8. David Cross talks with Michael Cera at the 92Y | 2bitmonkey said,

    [...] Cross spoke very little about Arrested Development, his book (I Drink for a Reason) or his recent stand-up specials, instead focusing mainly on the pride he has in his earlier, more personal, endeavors. Over and over he kept coming back to his work on Mr. Show, and he also talked at length about something most of the audience must have been unfamiliar with, Cross Comedy, the weekly sketch group he created at Boston’s Catch a Rising Star. He obviously has little interest in being DAVID CROSS TV STAR.  In many ways, this is what sets him and certain of his friends (he mentioned Louis CK, Marc Maron, Janeane Garafolo) apart from other “successful” comedians.  And it also lends itself to feuds which Cross was more than happy to go into, such as ongoing ones he has with Jim Belushi and Larry the Cable Guy. [...]

  9. hammer77777 said,

    Larry rules..all fags and towelheads SHOULD be shot

  10. Jebus Babel said,

    Everyone, stop! Larry the Cable Guy is a beautiful flower just like the rest of us! We can’t just crush every flatulent lily in the garden of Eden! Let’s all hug!

  11. Justin Howe said,

    I cannot believe that neither Cross nor his followers understand that Larry the Cable Guy’s act is exaggeratedly satirical.

    • Jayson Tanner said,

      I think you’re right, it’s satire. But that means he’s satirizing the people who enjoy his comedy. They just don’t realize it. Which, really, is a part of Cross’ point.

  12. mathomas said,

    Justin, I “understand that Larry the Cable Guy’s act is exaggeratedly satirical” — at least some of it is. I get that Dan Whitney is playing a character called “Larry the Cable Guy” similar to the way that, say, Stephen Colbert plays the part of a conservative pundit on The Colbert Report.

    But as I see it, rather than challenging prejudices through showing how stupid they are (as, for example, Colbert does), Larry reinforces them with oversimplified stereotypical genaralizations that pander to his fans’ blind anger and hatred of whole groups of people based on what a tiny fraction of them does.

    For example, when Larry calls ALL Muslims (NOT just the terrorists) “Back ass rag fags,” that’s both Islamophobic and homophobic — but not satire because Larry clearly MEANS to insult both Muslims and gays. That would basically be like calling ALL American Christians “insane gay-bashing bigots” based on the Westboro Baptist Church’s “God hates fags” military funeral protests. And though some people out there have jumped to that conclusion, most people do not because we personally know many good and kind Christians who actually follow Jesus’ example of love, peace, tolerance, and hating the sin not the sinner.

  13. If You Get Angry When Someone Says “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas,” You’re Probably Just Being An Asshole | Fortean Squirrel said,

    […] of the ongoing “culture war.”  But being politically incorrect doesn’t give Larry the Cable Guy carte blanche to be a racist, nor does it give anyone else the right to treat people like trash.  […]

  14. This is Halloween (TV): Toy Story of Terror | Simplistic Reviews said,

    […] it looks gorgeous.  Sorry “Cars” fans, I just don’t find fart jokes spun by a redneck comedian to be very […]

  15. key6 geo1 | key2, geo1 | , geo1 said,

    […] better than everyone else” and speak above their audiences. Cross responded by posting “An Open Letter To Larry The Cable Guy” online and later reprinting it in his first book, “I Drink For A Reason.” You can […]

  16. Larry The Cable Guy On Being Rich And Blue Collar: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems | Kronosim said,

    […] better than everyone else” and speak above their audiences. Cross responded by posting “An Open Letter To Larry The Cable Guy” online and later reprinting it in his first book, “I Drink For A Reason.” You can […]

  17. Larry The Cable Guy On Being Rich And Blue Collar: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems | Celebrity News | Celebrity Gossip said,

    […] better than everyone else” and speak above their audiences. Cross responded by posting “An Open Letter To Larry The Cable Guy” online and later reprinting it in his first book, “I Drink For A Reason.” You can […]

  18. Actors In The News » Larry The Cable Guy On Being Rich And Blue Collar: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems said,

    […] better than everyone else” and speak above their audiences. Cross responded by posting “An Open Letter To Larry The Cable Guy” online and later reprinting it in his first book, “I Drink For A Reason.” You can […]

  19. Larry The Cable Guy On Being Rich And Blue Collar: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems | We Report said,

    […] better than everyone else” and speak above their audiences. Cross responded by posting “An Open Letter To Larry The Cable Guy” online and later reprinting it in his first book, “I Drink For A Reason.” You can […]

  20. imajoebob said,

    I’m surprised I’ve never seen Whitney called-out for stealing the character. His “creation” is just a knock-off of Johnny Carson’s “Floyd R. Turbo,” taken to a crass extreme.

  21. Robert Shuby (@throatkooky) said,

    I know a lot of funny rednecks.Larry The Cable Guy is not funny regardless of his take on anything politically or his opinion of Cross.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 112 other followers

%d bloggers like this: